An unselfish wish made on the horn of a unicorn will come true. Our wish? To support the writing community by giving constructive tips and criticism through submissions. Check out the submissions tab for more information. We can survive the crucible of fire together.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Legacy of the Eye - page 2



A while back, Patricia offered up the first page of LEGACY OF THE EYE. If you click on the pic you can read it and my critique if you like. Here is Patchi's second page which she has so generously donated...My comments will be in purple and I hope you'll add yours. 

 page 2 - 

Catrine’s eyes were still adjusting to the brightness, but they took in the novelty of her surroundings. It was the first time either student had left the school (wow! That's almost like being in jail and letting us know that makes all sorts of questions pop into our heads - which is a good thing because questions keep us reading.) since their enrollment at the age of two. They were both eighteen now, but Catrine did not feel as ready to conquer the galaxy as David was. Like how she compares them.

Their dark gray tunics and slacks sparkled in the afternoon light. The uniform designated (not sure if I like the word designated. Labeled would preferable but that's just me...) them as students from the Governance department, but no one prevented them from exiting the Academy grounds even though they were unsupervised. David had managed to convince their instructors there was no need for a chaperone because he thought the lack of one would increase their chances of successfully defending the proposal. (<<this is awkwardly put and a little confusing to me. Can you convey the meaning in less words?) Catrine had not argued with him, but she had made sure she had clear instructions on how to get to the government building. The last thing they needed was to get lost on the way.

"Wow! I've never seen so many flowers in one place," David said as he stepped through the archway and out of the Academy grounds.

Catrine followed him towards the flowers. The bright colors on the other side of the entranceway were stunning. (don't tell me they're stunning. Tell me why they're stunning. Or show me why. Either works for me here. ) She inhaled deeply. The floral tones drifting from the garden gave the air a sweeter scent. That's better.

"Now we know why everyone talks so much about the Center Gardens," she said. "The directions say to go around it."

"We have time, let's walk through the park."

"We don't want to be late..."

"Then don't waste time arguing." David grabbed her hand and led her down the footpath closest to them.


I like this. It isn't high action but it builds character. I'm beginning to get to know Catrine and David and their world and I'm curious. Curious turns pages. This is pretty good beginning.

What do you guys think?

3 comments:

Angela Brown said...

I agree. This isn't a fast paced scene, but one where certain character traits are being put into place to build upon the reader-relationship with Catrine and David.

Patchi said...

Thanks Marcy! Are you going to work on my cover design too?

mshatch said...

ha ha. Not likely, although it would be fun to design covers :)