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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

#1 Twitter Pitches and Loglines



Candance Crystelle's perfect life vanishes into nothing when her wing is broken, her mother dissolves her betrothed marriage and her sister, the future queen, banishes her from the kingdom.


Her wing?! Oh, cool. And the bit about the sister creates a bunch of questions in my mind. The good kind that piques my interest.

It is the phrase ‘…her mother dissolves her betrothed marriage…’ that slowed me down. Conflict is right on the mark. My problem is with the wording.

Maybe it reads better, ‘…her mother breaks her engagement…’ Or something with more Voice. ‘…her mother destroys her wedding plans,’ ‘…mother ruins her betrothal,’ ‘…kills her wedding plans’.

The part about the broken wing *really* made me sit up J

Readers? Comments?

7 comments:

Patchi said...

I love the broken wing, and the passive voice suggests she didn't do it herself nor was it an accident. I agree that the "betrothed marriage" part is odd. Does her mother dissolve her betrothal or her marriage?

E.J. Wesley said...

Really great Twitter pitch!

Jadzia Brandli said...

I agree with Patchi, that's the part that confused me. Is she already married or is she betrothed? Betrothed means to be engaged, so she can't be engaged and married.

But this did get me interested.

mshatch said...

Agree with Huntress' suggestion; that could make it perfect :)

Ink in the Book said...

Thanks everyone for this helpful advice! I appreciate your suggestions:)

Here is the revise:

Candance Crystelle's perfect life vanishes into nothing when her wing is broken, her mother breaks her engagement and her sister, the future queen, banishes her from the kingdom.



Patchi said...

I really like the revised version!

Liz said...

I like the revised. I'd read on.