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Friday, May 11, 2012

Description - Fairy Tail


    And now, you poor things, because no one sent me a description of their own, I give you one of mine. The opening to my novel, FAIRY TAIL. Rip away...    

     It looked like a celebration.
     Elphamé, the heart of Faerie, was awash in fairy light, from sparks that floated above the trees to hundreds of colored lanterns, casting a rainbow ribbon of light over the flowers in the Queen’s garden. The magnolia trees were beginning to shed their blossoms and the grass was littered with soft, white petals that fluttered about in a non-existent breeze, their fragrance perfuming the air. 
     The sisters sat on the grass by the fish pond where dozens of paper boats floated, from three-masted sailing ships with dragonfly sails to row-boats with little oars carved from twigs, each one a miniature masterpiece. 
     Music came from inside, though who played was anyone’s guess, for they were hidden behind the upper screens while below the grand ballroom was hung with wreaths of flowers and ribbons, the whole place smelling of a warm autumn night and filled to capacity with all of Faerie.


18 comments:

Huntress said...

nice.

The only phrase I'd change is: '...while below the grand ballroom wreaths of flowers and ribbon hung (fluttered?).It smelled of a warm autumn night filled to capacity with all of Faerie.'

Sean McLachlan said...

Nice. It gets us into the mood quickly. One phrase that caught me short was "Faerie, was awash in fairy light". Having two different spellings made me do a double take.
Also, while this has a magical mood, there's no magic in it. That should be coming soon.

L. Blankenship said...

>Music came from inside,

Inside the boats?

Seconding the Faerie/fairy duality problem. Do the Faeries call it fairy light? faerie light?

Also: was awash, were beginning, and was littered all in the first paragraph. Could tighten those up.

I don't know what happens in the next paragraph, but the first two seemed like we were going to meet the sisters outside but the camera suddenly cuts indoors to the ballroom... a bit of a let-down, for me. But maybe why becomes clear soon.

Overall, thumbs up. Good description.

Charity Bradford said...

There is a nice feel to this. Here are a few suggestions.

I agree with the Faerie/fairy problem and don't think you need to say fairy light. Just light.

>The magnolia trees were beginning to shed their blossoms and the grass was littered with soft, white petals that fluttered about in a non-existent breeze, their fragrance perfuming the air.<

Perhaps: Soft, white petals from the magnolia trees littered the grass, fluttering in a non-existent breeze. Their fragrance perfumed the air.

Loved everything else! Thanks for sharing, and sorry I didn't find something to share. Soon. Hopefully. :)

Mark Noce said...

Cool start, thanks for sharing it:) Like the blog too:)

Angela Brown said...

I didn't get to crit this as I sort of got a bit lost in the colors, the sounds and watching tiny masterpiece boats floating on the pond. My nose is still twitching from the perfume in the air.

Alicia C. said...

I agree with the previous comments. Great piece, though what tripped me up was the flow switch. For me it reads like this...First paragraph , Second Paragraph , Third Paragraph . While all the details in themselves are great, they feel a bit out of order to me.
That said, I do want to know what's going to happen next!

mshatch said...

oh yes, fluttered is a much better word. Thank you!

mshatch said...

Excellent points - thank you.

mshatch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mshatch said...

yeah, I'm still not 100% sure about this beginning. I originally began at the next chapter but now I wonder if there might be a way to incorporate the two...hmm. You've made me think...

mshatch said...

Excellent suggestion. Thank you Charity :)

mshatch said...

thanks for stopping by.

mshatch said...

thank you, Angela :)

mshatch said...

I think you're right.

mshatch said...

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions! This is such a great example of how important it is to have other people read your work.

You guys are awesome :)

Sam F. said...

Very nice. I really like this! Definitely a magical quality to it. I was just thinking that you have a lot of long sentences...Maybe spice up the rhythm a bit with some shorter sentences, or even fragments. Also, you mention that it's autumn, but trees usually shed their blossoms/petals in late spring. But since it's a fairy world that's ok :)

Overall, I really like it! Definitely gives me a clear image of this garden!

Madeleine Maddocks said...

Oh I especially love the atmosphere in your description of the last paragraph.