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Friday, January 20, 2012

sumission #4

Title: The Sleeper
Genre: Sci fi flash fiction
Today is the first day of instruction for the genetically chosen six year old boys on the starship Destiny. Fourteen years until Earth flyby.

   Tow-headed Gareth dragged his feet, but he as he entered the Sony Mesmerizing room with the rest of his classmates. The high black bulkhead that formed the ceiling curved above him.(< what about the black bulkhead?) He’d heard about this room. It would show him what Earth looked like before the Great War. He trembled as the dorm chaperone told them to sit.
   Gareth blinked and he was sitting on a sloped surface covered with a soft green covering. All around him boys cried out, but Gareth remained silent. He moved his hands through the pointy spears and marveled at how they bent beneath his weight. A slight puff of air moved his hair and an orange glow appeared above him. He could feel his face warm as he looked up. The fiery orb hurt his eyes and he turned away only to become fascinated with the changing ceiling. The black gave way to a new color that he didn’t have a name for. It was pleasant to look at though.
    An automated voice sounded all around the boys, “This is the planet Earth. Below you is what we call grass. Above you is the sky filled with the light of Sol. You will learn more about these things in the future.”
Gareth lay down in the soft grass and watched a new thing in the sky. White and fluffy, it drifted slowly toward him.
   “Today is Princess Amelia’s birthday. You will learn her story.” 

Not much to crit here, imho. Interesting beginning! What do you guys think? And hey, don't be afraid to comment. We love comments around here.


8 comments:

Brooke R. Busse said...

I think the black bulkhead is the ceiling. ^^

I like the soft beauty you've lent this first "sighting" of Earth for someone who never got to see it. Toward the end, I felt a sort of dreamy feeling, which I hope is what you were going for.

The only thing I might recommend is cut "though" from the last sentence of paragraph four.

Tara Tyler said...

cool dystopian opening, scary is possible

defcon said...

Err, I hope you weren't planning on submitting this to any magazine -- you still can, but it'll be considered "partially published" since this isn't a password protected site, and that can affect what rights you want to sell.

This intro is too slow for a flash piece. You've spent almost 250 words setting things up, which leaves you with 750 words left to flesh out the story. It's not an uncommon thing to see flash stories simply stop because the author met the 1,000-word mark. Try to work on a smaller story arc, skip the backstory (is it really necessary?), focus on what Gareth wants or does.

Charity Bradford said...

I should relabel it short fiction because the finished product will be closer to 3000 words. And I'm not putting an end word count on it. It will be whatever it will be when finished.

thanks for the advice! This back story is important. Well, for now. ;) It's only second draft and might be cut in the end, but right now this is the entire first "snippet" from Gareth's life. The point where everything started for the story arc. The next snippet jumps 5 years into the future, is about 400 words and then we get another jump.

Charity Bradford said...

Thanks Tara! Miss you hanging out with us.

Charity Bradford said...

Thanks Brooke. I think you're right on the "though". Something about it bugged me but I just thought, "I'll figure it out later."

Angela Brown said...

I realize I'm the only idiot who had to do this, but I had to look up what 'tow-headed' meant. Once I got past that, I really enjoyed the read, experiencing Gareth's introduction to Earth with him.

Huntress said...

wow, I got lost in the story and forgot to crit :) Very nice.

One place to trim:
'Above, the light of Sol fills the sky.'

that rids the sentence of the extra pronoun.