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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Crit again. If you please

Same as yesterday with two additional questions.
  • How old is this person?
  • Male or female?
  • Are you interested in this character?  
  • Does this work as an opening?
  • What genre do you think it is?

Thank you for your comments.

Chapter One
The Wizard

I had a good forty winks going when the teacher’s drone filtered into my brain. After he said the word ‘wizard’, I sat up and took notice. He saw me and scrunched his face into a sour-lemon grimace. I didn’t bother raising my hand.

“You said magicians use fake crap to do their tricks, make elephants disappear, whatever. But you don’t know that.”

“Cord.” His voice held a warning. But like I cared.

I flipped a negligent hand at the world. “You can’t explain all of it, not without proof.”

“Show me proof it exists, then.”

“Man, that’s like saying prove your innocence.”

The teacher narrowed his eyes as if numbering my days on earth. Someone behind me snickered.

“Cord, the science is incontrovertible,” the teacher said from between clenched teeth. “The physics alone make it impossible—”


8 comments:

mshatch said...

male, teen, fantasy, and a slightly more polite approach from Cord would make me like him better because sometimes being polite can be even more annoying. Of course, when you're a teen, it's hard to remember that :)

Tara Tyler said...

love the confrontation!
thats a great opening page! voice, attitude, conflict!
oh, yeah, there were questions...

duh, a teenage male (too much of an a** to be a snarky girl, i hope!)
and everyone loves a smarta** on a mission to prove something =)

defcon said...

I had a good forty winks going when the teacher’s drone filtered into my brain.
No joke, I read this as if it were a robot drone (nanobot) that had crept into his brain.

For clarity's sake, try: the teacher's dry voice filtered...

Yeah, teenage male, because I rarely hear girls use "Man" in casual conversation. I don't mind smartass characters, at least he has an edge to him, which I like; it defines him.
Genre: fantasy, possibly sci-fantasy.

1000th.monkey said...

Hmmm, I was thinking the boy was around 11-12, due to his dialogue (specifically 'fake crap'), then there were a few 'older' words thrown in, like 'negligent' which in 1st person, doesn't fit that age.

It feels like something has been set up to happen in the next few lines, a promise in Cord's overly zealous attitude, so if that promise evaporated, I'd probably stop reading then, but until I got there, I'd probably keep going.

The zealous voice is what makes me think he's younger... often older teens can lapse into apathy when they know arguing won't change anything, but he seems too young to know better, too young to care what people will think about him believing in wizards.

I'm definitely going with fantasy due to the whole 'wizard' thing.

Carol Riggs said...

I got a feeling of maleness even before I got to the name "Cord." :) His wording and sassiness makes him sound slightly younger than an older teen...perhaps 13 or 14, 15 tops. I also read the first line as a robot drone, not knowing if it was fantasy or sci fi or what. Kinda silly, because the chapter is called The Wizard--which indicates fantasy. But it's still how I read it. Good start, nevertheless!

Brooke R. Busse said...

Male. Definitely teens, perhaps 14. The teacher talking about physics sort of suggests around there or a little older. I think it works as an opening, because anything can be an opening as long as it's interesting.

Huntress said...

Cord is seventeen, male, and human. I am undecided where I want to go now that I've completed my last project.

Three wips are in their first stages, this YA paranormal, an epic fantasy, or an urban fantasy.

Hm. Decisions, decisions.
Thanks again for the comments

Angela Brown said...

I'm not sure I know of very many kids that refer to sleep as "getting in some winks" but I would guess this is a male in his early teens, no older than 15. There's something very rough-around-the-edge about his speech. the name Cord doesn't solidify things since that could be short for Cordelia.
It works as an opening because it draws me in to my character, some young kid with a rebel streak. And yes, definitely something would continue reading.
As for the genre, the chapter title could be misleading, but the word "wizard" immediately makes me think of magic and paranormal or fantasy, maybe an urban fantasy.