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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Almost Paradise

Ok so here's the query for that opening paragraph you all read on Monday. I've gotten a lot of interest but no takers. Any suggestions are sure to help.

 
Dear Agent:


Katherine Kennedy has it all; she’s beautiful, she’s wealthy, and she’s engaged to the perfect man. There’s just one problem. She can’t marry him. Worse yet, she can’t say why. All she knows is there is suddenly nothing she wants.

Jack McCabe has little in the way of possessions, less in the way of wealth, no where to go and no one to go anywhere with. All he has is a vague sense of discontent, a restlessness that will not abate.

Both are drawn to Cristobel Island and Louis Cade, a man who offers them the unimaginable, something neither can quite believe until they actually find themselves over 100 years in the past, 1881 to be exact.

For Jack McCabe it’s the adventure he always dreamed of – until he meets a beautiful but deadly train robber. Katherine can't believe an ignorant bounty hunter has mistaken her for a criminal – until she sees the picture, which looks exactly like her. Neither of them can imagine how the past has a way of catching up with the present.

Set in the old west, this is a tale of mistaken identity, romance, and murder.

Almost Paradise is complete at 95,000 words. I have a BA in History and I’ve written several other books, including a YA witchy Regency Romance. I would happy to send as much as you would care to read. 


Thank you for your time,

3 comments:

Tara Tyler said...

i love this story premise! i would just tweak the opening intros. for example,

Katherine Kennedy is unsatisfied, even though she has everything a girl could want - beauty, wealth, and the perfect fiance.

Jack McCabe has nothing, except a restlessness that will not abate.

Both are drawn to Cristobel Island and Louis Cade, a (mysterious?) man who offers them the unimaginable, something neither can quite believe until they actually find themselves over 100 years in the past, in 1881. (so cool!)

---that next paragraph is perfect! except this last line...
Neither of them can imagine how the past has a way of catching up with the present. (what does this mean? is she a robber? cliche? or leave it, it sounds good =)

after reading this, i want your first page to show something exciting like a scene to show more of jack's potential and save the sad, but well told, back story for later

great story, i'd love to read a romantic western!

Huntress said...

I’d construct one sentence descriptions of the two characters. What defines them? What is the most important detail about each?

Cut ‘both are drawn to Cristobel Island’.

Begin the third sentence with: Louis Cade is the man who offers them the unimaginable, a chance to time travel to 1881.(his defining characteristic)

Cut the rest of that sentence.

Then, 'For Jack it’s the adventure of a lifetime, becoming a (defining character)'

'For Katherine it’s becoming (defining character)' *my grammar isn't great but maybe you understand what I mean,LOL)

*Now, end with the conflict, consequences. THEN escalate the conflict. Twist it*

Melissa Ann Goodwin said...

Both the above have given you good feedback! There is something about that opening paragraph- For some reason I find having a semi-colon in the first sentence offputting :-) and the last sentence "All she knows is..." doesn't quite work. You're close so play around with it. And yes, just introduce Louis Cade in para 3, then quickly tie these 3 folks together. It sounds like a fun story, and I think you're close to having something with real punch.