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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Setting the Scene 1

Thanks for all the comments yesterday! Made me feel much better about my scanty descriptions - I've cut and camouflaged a lot in my thriller. I am not as eloquent a writer as some, so that genre is good for me! (And I think my MG fantasy won't need as much pretty details either, it takes place in a "regular" school =)

On to the submission. Here is something short and tidy!

(The MC is a passenger in a van driven by Olive. She notes the white fence along the road.)

Olive slowed the van and turned into our drive, where the composite fencing meeting (met) the crumbled stone gateposts like swanky tattooed punks beside two appalled dignitaries.  The bright white of the fence planks seemed too new for the gray limestone sentinels. Olive refused to replace the weathered limestone gateposts that had stood for over a hundred years. Respect history, she had said when I complained.

A trivial point made at a time of relative safety.

I love the "like swanky tattooed punks beside two appalled dignitaries" - gave me a clear image! The only thing I might change is a replacement for the repetition of limestone and gateposts - weathered guardians? gatekeepers?

Great scene!

3 comments:

Angela Brown said...

I agree with the suggestions made. I wonder if it would be possible to break the first sentence such as, "Olive slowed the van and turned into our drive. The composite fencing (met) the crumbled stone gateposts like swanky tattooed punks beside two appalled dignitaries."

The break, when read aloud, adds a beat and tighten's the flow.

mshatch said...

yes, I like the suggestions, too. It reads better.

mshatch said...

yes, I like the suggestions, too. It reads better.