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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Suspense #3

Okay, I have three more entries. I decided to post all three and then come back and critique them in the comments. Feel free to jump in even if I haven't yet. :)

Title: Pop Travel
Genre: Techno Thriller

Hasan reentered the pantry and set his stuff on a shelf. Before he left, he nodded and eyeballed towards upstairs. Was he hinting for Cooper and Geri to follow him? They looked at him like he was nuts.

“Nirek! Let’s go!” came a loud yell.

“Move it!” the guard, Nirek, said to Hasan.

“Sorry! I’m coming!” Hasan scooted out after another quick head motion and eyebrow raise, his expression pleading.

When Hasan and his guard left the kitchen, Cooper and Geri moved from the pantry to the dining room door to eavesdrop. They heard the men go upstairs.

“He wants us to help him?” Geri asked in Cooper’s ear.

“I guess so. And we can’t go back, there’s two more guards coming this way in the tunnel,” Cooper whispered, thumbing behind him.

“Then let’s press on.”

He couldn’t understand her enthusiasm to rush into danger. “Slowly. There’s something wrong with this picture and we don’t want to get caught,” he told her. He liked to err on the side of caution. He peered into the dining room. Empty and quiet and to his relief, no surveillance cameras. He waved for Geri to follow him. They tip-toed to the base of the stairs and could hear the guys arguing at the top.

“Now, Hasan!”

“Hold on! I need my tablet!” he said and opened a door.

“Why can’t you just use Gamelink?”

“No way! I told you before. I will never use it again with Big Brother watching.”

“You have five seconds.”

“Got it!” he said and shut the door.

“Good. Now up you go.”

But Hasan didn't go. “Hey, what about my mom?”

“Jackson has her. They’re on their way.”

“What’s their ETA?”

“Five minutes.”

At that, Cooper and Geri silently slipped halfway up the stairs to the landing. People were coming in the house from every port.

“And where will she be secured?”

“Her room.”

“Make sure she eats something.”

“Sure. Now get going!”

“Let me see, now. Did we change the code this morning?” Hasan asked.

“I told you we changed it. Don’t tell me you forgot.”

“Oh, yes. How silly of me.” Hasan chuckled then he said the code nice and loud as he punched the buttons, “4 – 7 – 0 – H – X – 9 – A.” The door unlocked and they went in.

“I suppose you’re going to lock me in?” Hasan asked as they went up the stairs to the lab.

“Of course."

Cooper and Geri heard the door close behind them. They crept the rest of the way up to the second floor and continued down the hall to the back bedroom, leaving the door slivered open so they could hear.

“Did you get the code?” Geri asked.

“Yeah. He really does seem to want our help,” Cooper said. Why would he need help from complete strangers who just broke into his house? They waited and listened for the guards to come back down.

4 comments:

Brooke R. Busse said...

eyeballed towards upstairs First towards should be toward. Second, this reads slightly awkward. Perhaps, eyeballed the stairs?

The question in your first paragraph could be reworded as a statement, hence making the sentence stronger.

Cut He liked to err on the side of caution. You show us this through his words and his actions.

People were coming in the house from every port. This sentence seems randomly thrown in. I haven't read your full story, but it doesn't appear essential.

Hasan asked as they went up the stairs to the lab. I'm wondering, if this is from Cooper and Geri's POV, how do they know there's a lab up there? Or that there are even stairs? Can they see that far? I was under the impression they were only hearing what was happening.

Cooper and Geri heard the door close behind them. I would change this to simply The door closed. This eliminates the telling of 'heard' and cuts some confusion between the 'them' which is Hasan and the guards and the 'they' which is Geri and Cooper. Also in that paragraph, leaving the door slivered open so they could hear Do they have to pass through a door to continue to the back bedroom because it hasn't said that they were standing by one since they were in the dining room.

Why would he need help from complete strangers who just broke into his house? Again, with the question. Also, I feel like this is something they would have wondered closer to the top of the selection.

So... I know this looks like a lot, but I really enjoyed this! Your writing flows nicely and it was a pleasure to read it. I'm interested to know why they broke into his house and why people are holding him in his own house. I hope this helps. ^^

Huntress said...

“Sorry! I’m coming!” **Hasan scooted out after another quick head motion and eyebrow raise, his expression pleading.**Delete


**He couldn’t understand her enthusiasm to rush into danger.**Delete
“Slowly. There’s something wrong with this picture and we don’t want to get caught,” he told her.

**He liked to err on the side of caution.** This is what I define as talking to yourself. You want the reader to know this about Cooper and tell us in words rather than showing with action.

(POV change from Cooper to Nirek?)
“Now, Hasan!”

“Hold on! I need my tablet!” he said and opened a door. (Who is speaking?)

“Why can’t you just use Gamelink?”

“No way! I told you before. I will never use it again with Big Brother watching.”

“You have five seconds.”

“Got it!” he said and shut the door.

“Good. Now up you go.”

But Hasan didn't go. (I am confused. Who ‘sees’ Hasan? Whose POV are we in now?) “Hey, what about my mom?”

“Jackson has her. They’re on their way.”

“What’s their ETA?”

“Five minutes.”

At that, ((change of POV)) Cooper and Geri silently slipped halfway up the stairs to the landing. People were coming in the house from every port.

“And where will she be secured?” ((Who is speaking? Whose POV?))

“Her room.”

“Make sure she eats something.”

“Sure. Now get going!”

“Let me see, now. Did we change the code this morning?” Hasan asked.

“I told you we changed it. Don’t tell me you forgot.”

“Oh, yes. How silly of me.” Hasan chuckled then he said the code nice and loud as he punched the buttons, “4 – 7 – 0 – H – X – 9 – A.” The door unlocked and they went in.

“I suppose you’re going to lock me in?” Hasan asked as they went up the stairs to the lab.

“Of course."

Cooper and Geri heard the door close behind them. They crept **the rest of the way up**Delete to the second floor and continued down the hall to the back bedroom, leaving the door slivered open so they could hear.

The rapid change in POVs distracted me and left me confused. If you put yourself into Cooper's mind, you will hear and see only what he sees and hears.

Tara Tyler said...

Narrowing POV is something I'm working on, glad to have other perspectives to help me!

And I knew better on some of those lines, I was just lazy - hard to cut all the telling...

I know, I know!
Thanks, guys!

mshatch said...

I agree with Brooke and Huntress' crits. They covered everything.