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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Expressing Emotions #1

A big thank you for our first submission! This is a very sad, dramatic piece so get out your hankies!

Title: UNCOMMON
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Emotion: despair/feeling of loss (character's mother is dying in his arms)

Tears blurred my vision, warming my face as they left hot streaks down my cheeks. Some dripped on her face.  I tried to wipe them away but only managed to smear blood across her cheekbones. She struggled to smile. I fought to keep my sights (? eyes is fine, or eyes trained) upon her face.  Especially since tThere was nothing I could do.  I was losing someone I loved(,) again(.)  because, apparently, wWith all my fighting and all my wins in the cage or a ring, I was useless when it counted.
“Lu-ca…” she rasped. I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry? I failed you, too.
“Mom -” I choked on my words.  I couldn’t believe I was doing this again, watching someone else’s life, vibrant and beautiful, taken right in front of me. (you just said that. what is he doing? Stroking her hair? Remembering what she did this morning? or just leave it – we can totally see he is overwhelmed just being unable to speak.)
“You – you need – need to know – the truth.”  She lifted her hand to my face, her olive complexion ebbing away as her blood pumped free (better wording? this doesn’t flow with the poetic beginning of the sentence). I gained just enough sense to reach over her and grab my shirt, ball it up and press it against her neck. (less words for better flow)
“Hold on, mom.  If I can stop this…just maybe…”
Then, sShe smiled. I stifled a cry. There was nothing for me to do. (I could see) she’d accepted her death. (take out of her POV)
“Your father. He’s – he’s alive. I’m sorry I li – lied but…”  At this, she sighed. 
I waited in vain for her chest to rise once more.  Her hand fell from my cheek, limp fingers splayed on the floor.  Even the blood oozing from her neck crept to a stop. 
“Wait! Mom! Don’t!” I brought her body closer to me, gripping her tightly. I drew blood biting my lip. Was this his fault, the father who was never dead and never there?  And why lie to me? But she was gone and no answers can come from the dead.  When I finally opened my mouth, I screamed.


Excellent descriptions! I could totally picture the scene. I even thought it might start raining at any moment - that's how dismal it felt! Great job!

Now if you all have anything to add, please do! And I could use another submission or two. Who's ready?

4 comments:

Huntress said...

As always, this is IMHO.
I agree with Tara’s crits but I will go a step further.

This will sound cruel and I apologize ahead of time but...
…this reads like a movie script.

Go to a *gulp* site that shows an actual death *gulp part deux* and note how a person actually dies.

Um. Just for reference, I was present when a person died and this scene does not ring true.

Research will lead you down many different trails. This particular avenue is not pleasant but for the sake of accuracy, you might need more research.

Brooke R. Busse said...

Tears blurred my vision, warming my face as they left hot streaks down my cheeks. The end of this sentence reads repetitive and slightly akward to me. It might sound better as warming my face as they streaked down my cheeks. This faces the sentence stronger and more solid.

This is the only other comment I have. I read Huntress's comment above and, while she may be right, I don't know, I still enjoyed it. ^^

Angela Brown said...

The crit for this really tightened it up...A LOT! Gives it much more impact.

I can certainly appreciate Huntress's opinion. I've only experienced a few deaths, the one where a guy got shot in front of me being the strongest memory. His was a gurgled, rattling, choke-heave-seizing disaster that made me puke in my mouth. I was too late to witness my mother's death but in talking to the one person who watched her die, it was a slow drain away. One last breath with a sigh as her chest fell one last time. Perhaps they romanticized it for me. More research could certainly be helpful to ensure the death rings true.

mshatch said...

I like Tara's crits. I can't answer to Huntress' comments as I've only witnessed Animals dying but I liked Tara's crits.