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Tuesday, November 1, 2011

#1 Pop Travel


Title: Pop Travel
Genre: Techno Thriller

“J.L.! I’m so glad you’re hee-ya! I was disappointed when I didn’t hear from you this afternoon. I called to offer you a ticket. But here you are! How eva did you manage it?” She went on, Her hands emphasizinged each phrase. She looked him over and smiled at his charcoal suit and slim black tie.Hm. How does he know what she is thinking?  Maybe ‘…and smiled when her gaze landed on his slim black tie.’

“Hello, Ms. Harper. I have friends in high places,” was his vague reply. Let his words convey his mannerisms.

“Geri. You may call me Geri. Oh, I see. Hush, hush. I understand completely,” she answered with a wink.

“What about you? How did you get two tickets?”

She linked arms with him and led him out from under the tents. It was about five o’clock with the sun still beating strong and bright above the grounds to the west so they wandered in and out of shade pockets from the majestic pines and full, longstanding maples.

“Well, J.L.. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t up to sayin anything at our first meetin. I’m not usually such a forward person, you know. But after speakin with you at length, I judged you to be honest and respectable. I admired your propriety,” she said. Then she halted their stroll to look him in the eyes. “I also believe we share an attraction to the romance and history of the old South. I am trustin Normally I’d say this is passive but speech patterns vary around the country. I talk like this. It isn’t that unusual my instincts that you are a true gentleman after my own heart.”

“Thank you?” Cooper replied, not sure how to take her declaration. I am of two minds about this. Kind of like it but it seems like explaining. 

His answer must have been satisfactory because she resumed walking and talking. “I have my own connections. My daddy is on the board of the Historical Preservation Society of Georgia. He helped in the overseein of the reconstruction of the Creator’s manor house.”

“Oh. Is your father here?” He looked around for him, hoping to ditch her. He didn’t have all night to chit chat with her.

“Oh, no. He is always invited to these galas and frequently declines. After attendin a party with him a few years ago, I had no desire to return either. The air of competition is too high brow and ingenuous for my taste. Until this evenin that is,” she hinted and gave his arm a squeeze.

“Disingenuous,” he corrected  said under his breath. In this case, I would use ‘said’. It won’t detract from the action, ‘…under his breath’. It is obvious that he is correcting her.

7 comments:

Brooke R. Busse said...

I actually really like her southern drawl, though I will point out that when you drop the g's at the end of -ing words, you should put an apostrophe.

It was about five o’clock with the sun still beating strong and bright above the grounds to the west so they wandered in and out of shade pockets from the majestic pines and full, longstanding maples. I would slightly rework this sentence to read like this. It was about five o'clock and the sun still beat strong and bright in the west. They wandered in and out of shade pockets under the majestic pines and full, longstanding maples. Also in third to last paragraph I would ditch with her so as to avoid repetition.

I really want to know why he's here and so anxious to get away from her.

Draven Ames said...

I thought this was well written and edited. I might also edit where it says "ditch her. He didn’t have all night to chit chat with her." I'd cut off the second her at the end, making it "ditch her. He didn't have all night to chit chat."

Just a thought. Great work here.

Huntress said...

One thing I love is the well-established character traits, rock solid in my mind.

The woman seems effusive but sharp-eyed. She won’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

JL is impatient, dismissive, thinks she has nothing helpful to add to his investigation.

I believe her strength is about to uproot his erroneous first impression.

Halli Gomez said...

I really enjoyed this. I like the voices of both characters, they are very clear and interesting.
I like the edits suggested and would make two more tiny ones.

First, in these sentences: I admired your propriety,” she said. Then she halted their stroll to look him in the eyes. - I would take out THEN. It stopped the flow a bit for me.

Second, in this sentence: His answer must have been satisfactory because she resumed walking and talking. - I would take out TALKING. it's obvious that she does resume talking.
They are minor things, but interrupted the flow a big for me.

Hope to read more!

mshatch said...

I have only one thing to add to the above suggestions, all of which are excellent. Be careful with the southern accent. Accents are very difficult to write well but once you do it you have to be consistent throughout. And I believe Brooke is correct about the apostrophe. I'll also say that the more of these little excerpts I read of this story the more interesting I find it!

Tara Tyler said...

thank y'all so much!!
its great to see so many responses!

Jamie Brook Thompson said...

New follower here! I like what you have. I'll give you a response from a gal (a friend of mine) who just read The Help. She loved the story, but struggle with one of the accents. My personal opinion is accents can be done, but they must be consistent throughout! You've done a great job!
Jamie