An unselfish wish made on the horn of a unicorn will come true. Our wish? To support the writing community by giving constructive tips and criticism through submissions. Check out the submissions tab for more information. We can survive the crucible of fire together.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Senses #1

Crap.

It was totaled. Completely and utterly totaled. The whole front fender was
crumpled in on itself, broken bits of headlight scattered across the road,
blinking and sparkling under the street lamp. Glass glittered from where
both the back rear and passenger side front, which had blown out on impact.
The sound of it still rang in my ears, that horrible crashing grinding
hitting bashing noise.

It was still raining lightly so that everything glistened from the silver
blue hood of my car to the grass and the slick black road beneath my fee. It
looked like a snake with a yellow stripe twisting away in either direction.

I reached up to wipe the blood away. It dripped from my forehead and nose
steadily, onto the wet pavement. My arm hurt. And my left calf had a good
two-inch gash in it. But I was walking, thinking, not fatally injured.

I heard a noise then, a human noise, and it reminded me. I looked through
the blood and rain across the double line to where the guard rail twisted
away. I could hear the sound of a radio, someone's voice, and a loud hiss as
I got closer.

It hurt to walk and it occurred to me maybe I was hurt worse than I thought
but I limped across the street and peered down into the darkness. The other
car lay on its roof in the gully below. I could smell gasoline and oil and
antifreeze. And as I looked closer I could see there was someone inside.

They were trying to get out.

2 comments:

Charity Bradford said...

I like how you set the scene up. The glittering glass on the ground. I can see it glittering under the light, the washing everything clean. Just a quick note on the last sentence of the first paragraph: lots of describers there (horrible crashing grinding hitting bashing). Pick one maybe two at the most.

You do a great job using the sight, sound, smell, and a bit of touch with the slick reference.

You mention the MCs arm hurt. How? What kind of pain is it? Localized, or radiating into the shoulder? That kind of thing.

Thanks for sharing!

Huntress said...

Lots of descriptions here. Try picking one or two and leave it at that. Otherwise it is like juggling too many objects at once. My brain gets tangled.

She heard a noise but we didn't hear it. How does it sound? Like a whimper? a wail? moan?

Also try avoiding phrases such as "...I could smell..." Use the nouns to force the reader into your story. You are telling us what she is smelling not showing us.