An unselfish wish made on the horn of a unicorn will come true. Our wish? To support the writing community by giving constructive tips and criticism through submissions. Check out the submissions tab for more information. We can survive the crucible of fire together.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Pop Travel

 Genre: Scifi Thriller

Scene setup, Cooper is at a library looking for info regarding "The Creator's" plantation to see if he can find a better way in. The FBI have been watching him and have sent agent Geri Harper to get close and see what he knows or if he has evidence.

As Cooper immersed himself in historic plantation legend, unsure of what he would find, a woman walked by his table and stopped to look over his shoulder at his book.
“Excuse me. But is that ‘Grand Ol’ Southern Plantations?’ I b’lieve my great, great, great, great grandaddy’s ancestral home is in that book,” she said with a thick drawl.
Cooper frowned and kept his head down. He didn’t want to acknowledge her so he covered his eyes with his hand like he was blocking a glare and scooted his chair away from her. “Oh,” he replied, hoping his body language would give her a hint to go away.
“Hee-ya, let me show you,” she said and reached over to turn the pages. “May I?” she asked. How could he say no? This lady was very pushy, making Cooper more uncomfortable with every minute in her presence. But she did smell nice.
He glanced up at her. She had nice, wavy, auburn hair, too. He shrugged and scooted his chair out. The sooner he let her show him, the sooner she would be on her way.


Oct 24 -

5 comments:

Huntress said...

It is tricky portraying accents. I suggest using very few since it slows my reader’s eye. I have to stop, translate, and then move on. By saying “…she said in a thick drawl…” you have conveyed her accent and the reader will automatically interpret. Sprinkle the southern pronounced words sparingly.

Trim some of the pronouns whenever possible. Your story will move faster without them.

In the fourth paragraph, you might consider less ‘tell’. Note that you are ‘telling’ us that Cooper thinks the lady is pushy rather than letting the readers come to their own conclusion. This is evident in the first sentence also.

I find the third person very refreshing, btw. IMHO, too many books are written in first. LOL, including mine.

Tara Tyler said...

huntress, is that "in my humble opinion?" or am i an ID 10 T? ha ha, been waiting to use it!

as for the piece, i can see toning down the pronouns and twangisms. and there's always room for improving the showing! as the writer it can be hard to get out of our mc's head, knowing what they think, to show the innocent readers!

Charity Bradford said...

I agree with Carol and Tara. Everything else looks good. My only comment was the dialogue felt off, but I think its because of the accent or "twang" you are trying to portray. And I'm from the south.

I like to say that in the south we only have one setting when it comes to talking...slow. Why? because it's so dang humid the life is being sucked out of us. LOL

Huntress said...

@ Charity
*still laughing*

Charity Bradford said...

I aim to please. *takes a bow*

That's why I love fall. We get a break and come back to life.