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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Pitch #4

Title: Unknown
Genre: MG

How does Joseph Graham Elementary's resident bully, Benjamin Kelly, who has trouble spelling his own name, get into the fourth grade spelling bee semi-finals?  That's what Tanner Sims and his friends want to know. Their search for the truth puts them against the principal, reveals a friend's secret they must protect, and makes them targets of the bully who doesn’t appreciate them sticking their noses where they don’t belong.

4 comments:

Charity Bradford said...

There is a great story brewing in here, but it's getting lost in the wording. If you simplify and generalize a few things this will tighten your sentences.

Suggestion:
How does the fourth grade bully, who has trouble spelling his own name, get into the spelling bee semi-finals? That's what Tanner Sims and his friends want to know.

This also puts the focus on Tanner who is probably your main character.

Now, the last sentence is really long. What is the most important--the principal or the secret? I'd pick one and drop the other from the pitch.

I also think its a given that the bully wouldn't like them trying to expose how he's achieving his success. Maybe you could say something specific about what the bully does to them?

Great job and thanks for sharing!

Halli Gomez said...

Thanks very much for your suggestions, they really help!

mshatch said...

completely agree with Charity's suggestions.

Huntress said...

The first line stuck me but the rest was excellent. I would delete ‘Joseph Graham Elementary’s’. Since agents snarl at queries that begin with a question, maybe you could rephrase the first sentence.

Tanner Sims and his friends want to know how resident bully Benjamin Kelley got into the fourth grade spelling bee. And the semi-finals no less, when he can’t even spell his own name.

I liked it and would read more. The conflict is defined very well.