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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Pitch #3

Title: FOR WANT OF A PIGLET
Genre: Epic Fantasy

For want of a piglet, the betrothal was lost and a girl was instead apprenticed to the kingdom’s master healer.

For want of an ally against the monstrous armies of a hungry empire, a fellowship was put under the care of the healer’s apprentice and sent into ice-bound wilderness. The mission tangles her fate with a ne’er-do-well knight and the kingdom’s only prince.

Her magic can’t heal the wounds they’ve inflicted on each other, but it’s her duty to keep them alive when the empire comes to destroy the kingdom.

7 comments:

Huntress said...

The first line is unique and I like the concept but IMHO it needs tightened. Look for consistency. Try for a rhythm in the words, a beat, like poetry. In fact, reading poetry aloud will give you the idea. This is my feeble attempt. Not too great on the ‘beat’ but it follows your theme of ‘for want of a…” Note the use of ‘a’.

For want of a piglet, a betrothal is lost. And a Master Healer gains an apprentice, the jilted bride.

For want of an ally, a fellowship is lost. And falls into the hands of the Healer’s apprentice.

For want of a cause, a mission is born. And the Healer’s apprentice, a ne’er do well knight and the kingdom’s only prince –

Charity Bradford said...

Huntress made some great suggestions. The story sounds interesting, but I'll be honest, I couldn't get past the title. I shouldn't talk because I'm miserable at coming up with titles, but this one made me think younger crowd--almost MG--which this is not for.

Putting that aside, I like the story idea. My favorite line was the last:

"Her magic can’t heal the wounds they’ve inflicted on each other, but it’s her duty to keep them alive when the empire comes to destroy the kingdom."

This sentence gives a good feel of what the story is about. It can also be tightened just a bit. "...when the empire invades." Just a suggestion.

Great job and thanks for sharing with us!

mshatch said...

Unless the piglet is important (as HenWen is in Lloyd Alexander's books) I wouldn't mention it. I'd get right to the girl getting the apprenticeship instead of...whoever. Then skip to her journey/result of and then this last paragraph which I, too, love:

Her magic can’t heal the wounds they’ve inflicted on each other, but it’s her duty to keep them alive when the empire comes to destroy the kingdom.

L. said...

MG? Yikes.

I had a niggling little suspicion that I should go with a more utilitarian title than Piglet -- sounds like my suspicion is right. Because I'm awful at poetry and if I saw a 10-year-old pick this up... well, let's not make it accidental.

The title's been around so long that it qualifies as a darling, I suppose. And we all know what we're supposed to do with our darlings.

Thank you for the feedback and you'll probably see this again next time :D

Charity Bradford said...

Goodness, hope we didn't sound harsh, cause I think you have a great story here. And I hope you do come back so we get to see more. ;)

Huntress said...

I really loved the concept and it made me wonder what happened to the piglet and how it broke up a wedding. I would read more just on that fact alone.
Honestly, I didn't notice the title so it didn't tip my feelings one way or another.
Bottom line, I like it. But give it a beat, a rhythm to the words. Really, that would make it POP!

Brooke R. Busse said...

Okay, you give us the MC's main goal, good, but what's her name? Also, your pitch needs tightening. Your idea gets lost among all the extra words.

ie. For want of an ally against the monstrous armies of a hungry empire
Possible solution: For want of an ally against a hungry empire