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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Lullaby

Genre: YA contemporary fantasy

A hand came down on her shoulder. She whipped around, her hand raised, ready to strike this new attacker, but she stopped short. The green-eyed boy smiled at her, a small smile of mischief. (Like that.) He was playing hero. His face turned cold, though, as he looked over her shoulder. She turned her head to see.
Redstone was standing with his hand pressed to his face. (If this is the first time we see Redstone I'd like to get a better picture of him.) When he moved it, Cassie saw a long scratch down his cheek where her nail had scratched him. His eyes burned straight into hers, “Get out! Don’t you dare ever come back, you little bitch!”
The boy led her out, keeping a tight hold on her arm. She glanced back, just in time to see Redstone slamming the door. It melted into the wall, as if it was never there, and what had just happened, hadn’t.
He started laughing about a block away from Redstone’s. Cassie stared as he let go of her arm to double over, his hands on his knees. “Did you…” he choked off, his sides heaving as he tried to regain his breath. “Did you see his face when you pushed him away?” He looked up at her, grinning.
Cassie gave him a dubious look but she could feel her own grin spreading across her face, “He did look a little funny.”
“A little? His eyes blew up as big as street lights and his face turned as red as a stop sign!” He had to stop talking as another fit of laughter ripped through his chest.
She couldn’t help it, she started giggling and she couldn’t stop. They stood together, the boy bent over and Cassie leaning on the nearest building, both of them laughing uncontrollably. People on the street gave them strange looks, some shaking their heads. The thought that they were all probably thinking the two of them were high crossed her mind. She started laughing harder. Interesting!

3 comments:

Halli Gomez said...

It is interesting - I'm wondering what the relationship is between all of them.
A couple thoughts - I believe your sentences can be a little tighter by taking out unnecessary or duplicated words such as "Cassie saw a long SCRATCH down his cheek where her nail had SCRATCHED him"
And I was a little surprised to read about the boy Cassie was with. He seemed to come out of nowhere, but may have been in a part that wasn't posted.
Thanks!

Charity Bradford said...

Marcy and Halli, both made great suggestions.

Can you also try to show us a bit more in places? For instance, you tell us the boy's face "turned cold, though, as he looked over his shoulder". What does that mean exactly. We know, but each person can convey this differently. In describing how this boy looks cold, angry, determined, challenging, whatever it is, we will get to know him better. Does his brow furrow? His lips harden into a tight line, his jaw muscles twitch as he grinds his teeth?

I just want to feel some personal details about all the characters so I feel connected.

The idea sounds interesting though. I'm wondering about Redstone and the disappearing door.

Huntress said...

You might edit some of the pronouns.
Two uses of the word 'turned' in the first paragraph.
I would begin another paragraph with the last sentence in the first paragraph to heighten the tension.
"It melted into the wall, as if it was never there, and what had just happened, hadn’t." Excellent paradox! I LOVE this kind of stuff.

"The thought that they were all probably thinking the two of them" Lots of alliteration here.
Like everyone else, I loved the small smile of mischief. Very nice.
All this is most teeny-tiny stuff but if you can lose some of the pronouns and 'ing' words (not all, just some), it makes your prose stronger.