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Wednesday, August 24, 2011

POP Travel

submission #2 is a scifi thriller whose query you might remember. My comments are in purple...
Atlanta, GA.
Tuesday, July 23, 2080.
In a matter of seconds, Representative Dawson popped out of Detroit Metro Transport and arrived at a first class platform in the Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson International Transport Center (ATC). Dawson The Representative was no stranger to pop travel. (Just a suggestion) As a politician he had to use it to keep up with the competition and be able to go anywhere in a moment’s notice. Like his brother, (insert name here, maybe?) he preferred to use traditional modes of travel. He kept the popping to a minimum and rode around town in his compact limo as often as he could to promote his Smart Car Revolution.
Cooper’s little brother, Richard Dawson Cooper, led a charmed life. (I'm confused. Who is Cooper? Is this the Dawson guy in the first paragraph or his little brother? If there are two brothers with the same last name in this story I'd try to distinguish them by using their first names only after their initial introduction. Of course, you may have made this crystal clear before this page...) His innovative idea of limiting city travel to Smart Cars and public transit flew through legislation, given his connections. Millions of jobs were created. Dried up oil companies converted gas stations into fast-charging stations. It was an historic accomplishment launching Dawson’s political career.
As a liaison between city officials and the automotive leaders, Dawson had come to Atlanta to assist Mayor Athawan with his current fleet of Smart Cars. He and his two man entourage proceeded through recovery at the transport center and went downstairs to find their private car as their luggage, being inanimate, had been popped directly to the hotel. 
 Aside from my confusion as to which brother we're with I find this interesting and well-written. There's nothing terribly exciting going on but the author may well have ended the first chapter on an exciting note which is going to make me very curious about what happens next. Plus I remember the query and know I'd probably like this :) 
Ok peeps, now it's your turn to offer the author your comments and suggestions.

6 comments:

Liza said...

This is an intriguing story. My only suggestion, is the line "As a politician he had to use it to keep up with the competition and be able to go anywhere in a moment’s notice" contains two cliche's. There may be fresher ways to say those two things. Also, the author might want to consider making the phrase "be able to go anywhere" more active.

Wish I could read more.

David Jace said...

I echo the confusion regarding Cooper, and the lack of advancement. This is almost all exposition, which has a strong tendency to be dry. That may be perfectly ok, depending on what lies on either side of this passage.

In essence, like Liza hinted, we need & want more. That's a good thing.

The Golden Eagle said...

I'm also a bit confused by the reference to Cooper--but intrigued by the rest of the story.

Great critique!

Tara Tyler said...

thanks, guys! I like the improvements! and I tend to shamelessly use cliches, so thanks for pointing them out. sorry for the confusion. Cooper is the mc and there is an intro to his brother, Dawson, in ch 1 and a "teaser" at the end of it.

glad it's piqued some interest, any suggestions to find a beta reader?

Huntress said...

I want more.

Because so much of this submission is backstory - ‘telling’ to set the tone - the pace is slow. I know there is more and, because I am intrigued, I would commit to discovering the rest of the story.

Maybe the pace picks up later in this chapter. Maybe dialogue will expose backstory and character traits. That is what I would be willing to find out.

Charity Bradford said...

Sorry it took me so long to check in. There really isn't much that I can add. I understand the need to tell a few things to set the tone and build the world you've created. The trick is finding ways to show it instead.

For instance, you could have Dawson look around and notice signs for the Smart Cars and have him smile. Depending on what the signs say and how he reacts to it, or how other people in the area are reacting to it, we will get a feel for the world by looking at it and not the writer telling us about it.

:) The idea still sounds fascinating to me.