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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dialogue Submission #2

My comments or suggestions for wording is in blue. Please chime in with your thoughts on the piece in general and specifically on how the conversation flows for you. 

Title: THE LULLABY
Genre: YA contemporary fantasy

“Cassie, will you play a game with us?” Mitch peered at her hopefully.

She straightened up from tying her laces. “You can’t wait until Sam gets home?”

A mischievous look came over his face (this was great because it led me to read the following with a certain tone of voice in my head). “She’s with Joseph. She’s going to be gone for hours.”

Cassie laughed. “I’m sure you’re right. I already had a run today anyway. What are we going to play?”

“Truth or dare,” he plopped down next to Tilo. Cassie sat on the floor, not even attempting to sit on the mattress.

She pressed her feet together, holding them close with her hands. “So who goes first?”

“You of course,” Mitch bounced.

“Okay. Tilo, ask me truth or dare,” Cassie looked up at the big boy.

“I will ask, but I do not understand the game. (I'm guessing Tilo speaks more formally and that's why you didn't use I'll and don't?) ” For being so young, his voice sure rumbled.

“You didn’t explain the game to him, Mitch?”

He squirmed under her disapproving look. “No. Didn’t know I needed to.”

“Then we’ll let Tilo go first to demonstrate.”

Mitch popped right back up. “Can I ask?”

“No, I’m going to so I can explain.”

“I could explain just as well,” he mumbled.

“What was that?” She suppressed a smile.

“I said, that’s good. You explain things good.”

“Right. Now, Tilo, I’m going to ask you truth or dare. When I do, you pick either truth or dare.”

“What is a dare?” He asked.

“A dare is like,” she searched for the right explanation. “If I dare you to lick the floor, you have to lick the floor.”

“A command,” he nodded.

“Sort of. Now—”

“Truth,” he cut her off.

“A question then,” she took in a breath and held it, thinking. “Is the story you told us true?”

“What story?” He tugged at his pant leg.

“The one about the Giants,” she watched him closely, trying not to look too eager for the answer.

“Yes, it is true. What else would it be?” A troubled expression crossed his face.

She stopped herself from pointing out the obvious. “Are you sure you didn’t just make it up?”

“Make it up? Is that like pretending? Pretending is when I act like I have friends when I play in the forest. It makes my mother sad,” his shoulders slouched.

Cassie opened her mouth, but Mitch started talking first. “You only get one question, Cassie. Now it’s my turn. Tilo, ask me.”

Tilo’s lips parted and Mitch shouted, “Dare.”

Cassie leaned back against the floor and wondered what she was going to do with the boy until she drifted off to sleep. (So she fell asleep while they played?)

General Comments:
I don't really have a lot to say. This conversation flows naturally and I loved that you didn't put a tag on each and every comment. You gave good clues so that I always knew who was talking so you didn't need a tag for each.

3 comments:

mshatch said...

I agree with Charity and I'll add that just this snippet of conversation made me curious about the rest of the story.

Tara Tyler said...

hard to tell how old they are supposed to be. Cassie seems like a teenage older sister, but she fell asleep like a toddler, and they're playing truth or dare. i hear in tilo's voice that he is from somewhere else (fantasy world, right?)

fun scene!

Huntress said...

I read this three times. Once to get a hang of it. The second time to crit. And the third time for enjoyment!

Except for the first tag "Mitch peered at her hopefully" I enjoyed the dialogue. Very normal and full of voice.
The first tag might be necessary. It depends on what came before.