An unselfish wish made on the horn of a unicorn will come true. Our wish? To support the writing community by giving constructive tips and criticism through submissions. Check out the submissions tab for more information. We can survive the crucible of fire together.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

#6 Unnamed WIP

Title: Unnamed WIP
Genre: YA sci-fi

Elina hid from her mother in the tall blue-green grass. But she couldn’t escape her mother’s voice. Now it called for her from opposite sides of the field. She sat up just enough to peak over the grass. Sure enough, message bots glided around the field, but her mother still stood by the house.

She sunk to the ground and continued to count the clouds. All she wanted was five minutes of peace. She knew something had happened, but the wars on other planets didn’t mean much to an eleven year old.

“Elina, come to the house now!” Her father’s voice joined her mother’s.

She jerked up and looked toward the house. Her mother was gone, but her father stood with his hands on his hips glaring at her.

“Coming.” She yelled back as she slipped her shoes on and ran to him. “Why are you home so early?”

“Come inside quickly.” He stepped into the darkness of the house.

Elina chewed on her bottom lip and followed. She immediately focused on the man hugging her mother. The tall redhead could only be one person. Her favorite uncle back from the stars.

“Uncle Murph!” Elina moved to hug him but stopped when she saw her mother’s tear streaked face contorted into a mass of wrinkles she never knew her mother had.

“You have to go with your Uncle. He’ll explain everything on the way.” Her mother pulled her into an embrace, squeezing too tightly.

6 comments:

Brooke R. Busse said...

Just a few places to cut down and you're set! Now in your first paragraph, 'the' before wars in the second paragraph, and 'Her favorite uncle back from the stars.'

I love your setting and the concept of message bots. You appear to be right on track with your genre.

Huntress said...

The first sentence absolutely sets the reader into the world, futuristic with a young, female MC.

Some personal opinion choices: “…her mother was gone, replaced by her father. He stood with …”

“…Coming, she yelled and slipped into her shoes. She ran to him.”

Good tension building throughout that gives the reader a taste of foreshadowing and just a hint of backstory without slapping the reader with Too Much Information.

Love sci-fi, btw. There isn’t enough good stuff on the bookshelves lately.

I would turn the page.

L. said...

Good beginning.

My only quibble is in using "mother" in both of the first two sentences. And maybe a quick mention of where, inside the house, the scene shifts to.

Those are both pretty minor things, though :)

Mark Murata said...

The words "grass" "field" and "mother" feel like they're repeated too much. I'm sure you can think of an artful way of rewording. I enjoy how you show the mother's emotions with her wrinkles and her squeezing too hard.

Saumya said...

I agree with the above comment about "grass" being there too much. Otherwise, at a quick first glance, this does a great job of a call to action and establishing the genre!

Pk Hrezo said...

I think it's a great start!

Huntress has a good suggestion. or you could do this to this sentence: "She yelled back as she slipped her shoes on and ran to him"

I'd change to: She yelled back, slipping on her shoes and running to him.